Better than a Hallelujah

You can have it all. Today on my Facebook memories was a picture of my home 3 years ago with everything piled up because it was moments away from water coming in. My first thought was, “You can have it all”. I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking about how, in that moment, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Today, 3 short years later, it’s far from the worst thing that has ever happened to me. If given the choice, I would live through the flood of August 2016 one-hundred times before I repeated the last 9 months of my life. You can have it all. You can fill my house with water. You can take every earthly material thing I have, but please Lord fill my family with good health and healing. Let them be happy, let them be well and don’t let them suffer.

The last few days my Mom has been experiencing these jerking episodes that we haven’t been able to figure out what is causing it. Last night, she had a very serious episode of jerking and becoming unaware of her surroundings. The doctors are pretty sure now she’s been having seizures. How upsetting. We are just at a loss for words. Something else to add to her plate. Please pray that these seizures will just disappear and be a fluke incident.

This morning they are closing the skin on Mom’s chest. We are thankful that it healed well enough with the wound vac to not need a skin graft. We are thankful this is getting done today because it’s a step towards getting her home. Mom is SO ready to get home. She tells me everyday how she just wants to be home. Please pray this day is near and when it comes it stays. We want to get her home for good.

Last night after hearing the news of Mom’s seizures. I was laying in bed and just crying. Crying from exhaustion and crying because I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m still going to lose my Mom. I’m scared of the thought of having to raise my babies without their Lollie. I’m scared that every hiccup we experience is going to be the hiccup that keeps us from getting a heart transplant. As my mind raced through all the possibilities, the phrase “Better than a Hallelujah” came to me. If you know my Mom and her sweet sister, Kes, than you know they are both huge Amy Grant fans. I can still remember the order of the songs from the Amy Grant CD that played in our car as a child. How appropriate that this song would come to me during this moment. I share all this with you to tell you that it’s ok to be scared sometimes. It’s ok to cry out and tell the Lord that you are scared, lost and need the Hope that He brings. In the Bible we are told over and over to bring our trouble to the Lord.

Psalm 55:22
“Cast your burden on the Lord,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

Isaiah 41:13
“For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’”

I could go on and on. It’s ok to pour out your miseries and it’s also ok to be silent when words won’t come. We are a mess and sometimes the honest cry of a scared, breaking heart... is better than Hallelujah.

A pic of my Mom and Aunt Kes when they were both healthy, happy and worry free. They’ve both had their share of heartbreak.