It is Well

We have now been in the hospital for over seven weeks. Looking back it seems like a nightmare and I often ask myself “Did this really happen?”. Recently I have grieved my old life. My life of being home with my baby.. sitting on my couch having easy conversation with my Mom... watching Harrison reach for his Lollie... cooking supper for my little family.. Etc. In the moment, I never appreciated the little things. I didn’t appreciate the “simple life”. Today, my heart longs for the simple life. It longs for family dinners with everyone laughing and enjoying each other. It longs for not constantly worrying that Mom will take a turn for the worse. I wish I knew then, what I know now. I wish I would have savored every moment of the “simple life”. Hug your family, kiss your babies.. life is short and we never know when the floor is going to be ripped out from underneath us.

Recently, Mom’s days consist of therapy and rest. Therapy is extremely hard for her because she is so weak. She is still unable to lift her arms and legs. She is able to lift her right hand, point and squeeze your hand. She can’t move her left hand yet. This is the hand that experienced so much trauma from the blood clots. The open sores on that hand are healing and she has lots of new pink skin growing in their place. She has strong pulses on that hand so we are hoping that it’s just extreme weakness and with the appropriate amount of therapy she will regain use of that hand. Please pray for her left hand and all her muscles. Please pray that the Lord will be her strength and he will continue to completely heal her body.

Mom is still on dialysis. She’s been on something called CRRT which is basically continuous dialysis.  They have started giving her longer breaks from it because she has had some signs that her kidneys might be recovering. We know that this is not something that will happen over night. If her kidneys make a full recovery, it could be months even a year. We are thankful that she has had some sign of function though and rejoice over that news. We need you all  to continue to pray for her kidneys. We are standing in faith that they will recover and she will not need dialysis forever. Mom has so many other issues to overcome and it would be such a blessing if this wasn’t one of them.

Being in the ICU for so long, you see so many family’s come and go and so many that have been here as long or longer than you. My heart just breaks for these people some days. We’ve seen so many people grieving. We’ve seen children mourning the loss of their Mom and it’s just heart wrenching. Being around this kind of heart ache day after day really starts to take a toll on you. I find myself laying in bed at night praying for my Mom and praying for every family that I see walk through those ICU doors. The 10th floor is a sad place. I often find myself thinking, “I hate that another family is hurting the way I hurt. I hate that so many people here are going through this tragedy.” All I can do is pray. Pray that they know Jesus, pray that they will allow Him to hold them and pray that even in this dark valley they can find the smallest amount of faith to carry them through. When you think of my family and pray for us, please pray for these other families too. Lord knows they need it.

I tell Mom daily how many of you are asking and praying for her. I encourage her that she has an army of support behind her, celebrating her victories and anxiously awaiting the day she gets to come
home. She, along with our family are so blessed by each one of you. We are so thankful for every call, text, meal, donation and prayer that is sent our way. . Thank you so much. Through it all, it is well and we are blessed. We love you!

Up-to-date Faith

Our family has a rule that, for now, at least two people are at the hospital with Mom at all times. Like I’ve said before, this journey is a complete rollercoaster and we never know when the floor is going to fall out from underneath us. It’s just not smart for someone to be there alone. Last week, Grannie and I were up there from Sunday night - Thursday late night. I had to run home on Tuesday to a doctors appointment and Mom’s sweet friend, Lana Martin, came up to sit with Grannie. We are so thankful for all of our friends and family that are helping us.

Friday morning, I was at home with Harrison and to be honest I was feeling extremely down. I spent the morning praying for peace.. praying for the Lord to show me reason for all that we have gone through. I was in the kitchen preparing lunch for Harrison and I heard him start throwing things on the floor. He was emptying a drawer and in it was a book written by my great- grandfather. “Padre” is my Mom’s Grandfather. I never had the opportunity to meet him and from stories I have been told I missed out big time. My Mom has always told me “He was the most spiritual man I have ever known... He was someone we should all strive to be like.” Padre was a pastor and founded a church in Central named Immanuel Baptist. He was a man that devoted his life to the Lord and whole heartedly believed in the scripture.

When I picked up the book that Harrison tossed on the ground, it was opened to this page.

“And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up; and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. And he leaping up stood and walked, and entered with them into the temple, walking, and leaping, and praising God.”

If our faith is up-to-date, you can be sure that the days of miracles are not past. “I am the Lord thy God, I change not”

How perfect. How timely. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during this whole journey it’s that the Lord hears our prayers and knows exactly what our hearts need at exactly the right time. I whole heartedly believe the days of miracles are not past for Mom. She will get up and walk one day. She will leap and Praise God for all that he has done in her life. I can’t wait for that day. 

Mom’s progress is still moving forward. We are thankful that it’s been 11 days without any serious set backs. Recently, the doctors have struggled with getting her pain medicines regulated. Certain pain meds can cause certain side effects and figuring out what her body can tolerate along with what keeps her comfortable has been a difficult task. We need her to be alert enough to participate in physical and speech therapy but we also need to have her comfortable enough to tolerate therapy. It’s a thin line and a difficult balance to find. Please pray that they can get her comfortable without medicine that causes serious drowsiness. 

This week my Aunt Kes has been in town which has allowed me to have some time at home to rest up and enjoy Harrison. She FaceTimed me this morning and it was the sweetest FaceTime call I’ve ever received. Speech therapy was working with Mom and for the first time in six weeks I heard my Mom say “Hi Addie... I love you”. If you know me and Mom then you know how close we are. I was her primary caretaker before this surgery and not a day went by that I wasn’t with her. She’s my absolute best friend and my heart has missed her so much. Hearing that voice did this heart so good. 

Mom is a fighter. She has proved that to us and the hospital staff every day that she has been there. She’s overcome so much and is motivated to overcome even more. Please continue to pray for her strength both mentally and physically. The road ahead seems so daunting and at times can feel impossible. We have full belief, that with the help of Jesus, mom will make a full recovery. Please join our family in claiming complete healing over Mom. We are so thankful for the continued prayers and support. It’s only by His Grace and your prayers that we are still climbing this mountain. 

By The Grace

These last few days we have been so encouraged by Mom’s “progress”. We are pretty sure her stomach pains and symptoms were coming from something in her colon. We never really got a definite answer, but we are thankful because her pain has subsided and her heart rate has slowed. Mom has also been fever free for over 72 hours. Praise God. This is the longest she has gone without fever in the last two weeks.

Sunday night, when I got to the hospital, it was the first time in 4 weeks that I felt like “old mom” was there. It felt like I was standing by and talking to Mom “before LVAD”. It was the first time in 4 weeks that I felt like we had turned a corner. A small corner, but a corner.

Mom is 100% breathing on her own now. She still has the trach but it is not hooked up to the ventilator. She’s on something called a “trach collar” which basically just blows a little oxygen. Please continue to pray for Mom’s kidneys. She is still on continuous dialysis. We still have hope that the  Lord will completely heal them and allow Mom to make a full recovery.

Mom’s left hand had some serious sores from when the blood clots were thrown to it. For a while, we were concerned if her hand would recover from them or if the tissue was dead. The last few days, we have been shocked by its  appearance. Each day it look better and better. We feel pretty sure that her hand will recover.

Rehab has started full force for Mom. Physical Therapy comes daily and they are sitting her up in the bed and moving her around a lot to try and build her muscle strength back up. It’s extremely tiring for her but she is knocking it out of the park. Yesterday, she was only able to sit up for about three minutes. Today, she sat up for ten.  Praise God!  Each day she’s getting a little bit stronger. We are thankful for these small victories.

Mom’s demeanor is very down. She’s sad, mad, frustrated... she has so many different emotions about all that has happened. Please pray for her spirit. Pray that the Lord will give her peace and the emotional strength to make it through this battle. She keeps mouthing to us “This is awful”.. “How will I ever do this”.. we agree it’s awful and have often wondered how we will get through this. The only answer I have for her is “By the Grace of God”. Only by His Grace will any of us survive this trial. He’s gotten her this far and I have faith he’s going to get her to the finish line.

A Rough Day

Yesterday afternoon, I went home for the first time in a week. It was short lived as I was called saying I needed to come back because Mom looked very rough, was having severe stomach pains and was having some sort of GI bleed and needed a blood transfusion. I got to the hospital last night to find Mom looking very miserable and experiencing a lot of pain. It’s very hard to see her like this and the fact that communication is so hard makes things 10x worse.

This morning was filled with lots of different doctors all with different specialties and different theories on what was causing these new symptoms. Just to list who all came in today: we saw Nephrology, General Surgery, Heart Transplant Cardiologist, Infectious Disease, Heart Surgeon, Colon/Rectal Specialist, Gastro Specialist...along with others. The information is overwhelming and the theories are scary. Today was tough.

After being cleared by colon/rectal, Gastro came by and thinks that the blood is coming from an ulcer in her stomach. Tomorrow they will do EGD, which is basically a scope of her stomach, to check for an ulcer and hope to "clip" it to stop the bleeding. When you receive an LVAD, you have to be on a blood thinner for basically the rest of your life to be sure the blood doesn't clot in the pump. This makes a GI bleed, or any kind of bleed, worse and more dangerous than it normally would be. This evening they stopped the blood thinner in hopes to slow the bleed until they can get in under control. Please pray specifically for her stomach and that the bleed will stop and will be completely healed. Please pray that it's nothing more serious and that they are able to fix it easily and quickly.

Yesterday evening Mom was so miserable. Today, the pain seemed to be a little more manageable and she even let us turn the TV on as a distraction for her. This is the first time in a month she has felt "up to" having the TV turned on. We watched Hallmark and I asked her to scoot over in the bed so I could lay next to her. Obviously, that wasn't an option but I wanted to so bad. We are thankful for little victories these days, and mom wanting to watch TV was one.

Please continue to pray for Mom. We have many more battles to win and are praying that tomorrow's is won quickly and painlessly. 

New Beginnings

Tonight my sweet husband posted a beautiful family photo of us to commemorate the ending of 2018. As I looked at it, I couldn’t help but smile and think about what it meant to me. It’s a photo of Ryan and I holding hands walking toward the sun with Harrison in tow. We are smiling and excited about the future ahead. When we took that photo, I had no idea the darkness that would lie ahead of us. I had no idea the unexplainable pain I would experience and the new found strength I would need to make it through each minute of each day. I had no idea how 2018 would end.

As I sit by Mom’s bed tonight and listen to the fireworks going off outside the window behind me, I can’t help but think about that photo and what is represents to me tonight. A bright future. Our family...walking toward new beginnings and happy endings. Leaving the darkness behind and seeing a glimmer of light while standing in a very dark tunnel. There will be a day again where we are all home, smiling, loving on each other and looking forward to new memories being made together as a family. We will look back on this time and not be sad but it will be a huge reminder of Jesus and what He can do in the lives of those that are faithful to Him. We will be grateful and the pain that we feel tonight will be a distant memory. I can’t wait for that day and I am so excited that this new year holds it for us.

Today Mom spiked another fever and we found out that she has a staph infection where the arterial line was removed a few days ago. We are encouraged that they found the source of the infection and that the infectious disease doctors are able to treat it specifically with the right antibiotic. Please pray that this infection clears up fast. She is struggling again with high heart rate and we believe this is the cause of it.

This evening she wanted to tell all the kids about her leg. She wanted them to hear from her what happened and that it was going to be ok. Y’all, she’s amazing. Her strength never ceases to amaze me. I cried through the whole thing and was so proud that she is my Mom. She loves her kids and all the nieces and nephews so much. She didn’t want them to be scared. Even in her darkest days she’s putting her kids first. I’ll say it again, she is amazing and I hope to one day be half the Mom she is.

Please continue to fiercely pray for our family through this coming year. It will be filled with lots of new beginnings and lots of new challenges. It will be a new way of living for every single one of us. Things will never be the same and we’ve all begun to accept that and be ok with it. We have so many hills to climb but so many things to look forward to. Mom coming home is one day I can’t wait for. In February our sweet Harrison turns 1 and in April we get to meet our precious baby girl, Eleanor. Recently, we have all talked about how excited we are for next Christmas. Yes, we know it’s only January, but we all are looking forward to how special next Christmas will be. I’m most excited that Mom will be here with us for all of these milestones. Today could be so different and even though I’m more tired than I’ve ever been, I’m just so thankful. Thankful that the future is bright and full of memories to be made. Thankful that the Lord is SO faithful and that He’s continuing to bless our family.

Tonight, 2018 ends and we say goodbye to the struggles we have faced during it. Tonight, we celebrate because Mom’s story doesn’t end in defeat but in victory. She is promised good by the Lord and we know that His plan is what is perfect for her. We are comforted to know she is being carried by Him and that he decides her story not any doctor or nurse. He’s never failed our family and we know for sure that He’s not about to now. Happy New Year! We pray your 2019 is full of blessings and miracles. We love you all so much.

Strength

Recently, my biggest prayer has been for strength. Strength for Mom...strength for me...strength for our family. Some days I wake up and feel like I didn't even sleep. We all sleep with our phone next to our head and wake up multiple times a night checking it. It's exhausting. I can't even imagine the exhaustion Mom is experiencing.

Exhaustion is a perfect word to describe today. Mom had a rough night last night dealing with pain and nausea. Those same symptoms carried into most of the day. Please pray specifically for her stomach and that it will "wake up" and allow her to tolerate feeds. The doctors really want to start tube feedings but her stomach just isn't ready for it yet.

Today, one of our biggest concerns is her left hand. She has two spots of concern, two of her finger tips and her wrist. When her body threw blood clots, her hand was severely damaged. It has gotten so much better, but has a long way to go. Please pray that the tissue that is damaged will heal and not continue to die. Pray that infection stays away from it and that we won't have to discuss an amputation. I'm not sure my Mom would survive that. It would just destroy her to lose anything more.

Sometimes my thoughts get the best of me. Today the anxiety and thoughts of the days ahead were almost more than I could handle. When I was thinking about Mom's hand and the decisions that could possibly lie ahead of us, I reminded myself of how far we've come. Three weeks ago, we were told Mom probably wouldn't make it off the operating table. She was completely unresponsive and was unrecognizable. Today, Mom looks like herself, her vitals are stable, and she's certainly alert and responsive (one thing she hasn't lost is her attitude.) Mom has exceeded the expectations of so many and I know it's only because of the strength the Lord has given her. She's a fighter and has to continue to fight to get passed this. A few weeks ago I read a statement that really stuck with me. It read, "Just like the sun follows the rain, strength follows pain." Tonight my prayer is that strength will continue to follow the pain and that our whole family will be drenched in an overwhelming amount of strength. We certainly need it for the days ahead.

We cannot say enough good things about Mom's care team in the Surgical ICU. Tonight, as Ryan & I sat in the waiting room during shift change, one of Mom's nurses who was there when things were not looking good walked past. He saw us and came over and sat for almost an hour talking about Mom, how far she's come, and what lies ahead. The other night while mom was having an anxiety attack but needing an adjustment on her NG tube, she wouldn't let anyone else do it except this nurse. He calmed her down, finished the procedure and stayed in the room to make sure all was well. We are so thankful for the compassionate care he and everyone on Mom's care team has shown our family.

We love you all and are blessed by each one of you following our story.

Faith of a Mustard Seed

Tonight was special. Our out of town family, the Castles, came in to see Mom. Mom's face lit up when she saw her sister, Kes. It was so sweet. We all took turns in the room with her and I think she enjoyed the visit.

Mom seemed to be a little better tonight. For the last few days, she has struggled with high heart rate. Her heart rate has ranged from the 130s to 150s all day and night. Today it has been a little lower and we are hoping this is a sign that it is finally settling. The surgeon was able to take out Mom's second chest tube today. This is another small step in the right direction. We are rejoicing in baby steps these days.

I shared with you all in the last update that Mom was struggling with anxiety and understanding all that she has been through. This has made visits and time with her difficult to say the least. Mom is also still at a great risk for infection. Because of all this, her doctors have advised us to closely regulate visitors. We love that we have so many friends and family supporting us and wanting to be there for Mom. If you would like to visit, please reach out to me or someone in our family to schedule a good time to come by. We want to make sure not to overwhelm Mom with unexpected guests and it's better if we are able to prepare her in advance. Communication for her remains very difficult. She still has so many questions and gets so frustrated when we aren't able to understand what she's mouthing. She is also so self-conscious about all she has gone through and sometimes even family makes her uncomfortable. We want to make sure, if you make the drive down here, you are able to see Mom when she is actually up for a visit.

Tomorrow, the doctors are hoping to start some nutrition through her feeding tube. Mom is so weak and it seems like each day that goes by, she is getting weaker. Prayerfully, the nutrition will help her gain some of her strength back so she can start building her muscles back up. It takes so much effort for her to just wiggle her toes right now and she doesn't move her arms. We will all be encouraged when we see her strong enough to lift her arms. Please pray for strength for her body as well as her mind.

When I went to tell Mom goodnight tonight, I learned in to kiss her and she smiled at me and told me I was so pretty. Y'all, it did my heart so good to see that smile and read those words off her lips. Moments are hard for Mom these days. Each hour is harder than the one before and we see her upset all the time. We hold on to every sweet moment we get with her.

Throughout this whole journey there have been so many moments where all we had to lean on was our faith. I'm not going to lie, there have also been moments when our faith seemed small or nonexistent. It's hard to have faith sometimes when you feel like your world is crashing down around you. Tonight, my sweet Aunt Kes gave us a gift to remind us all that no matter how much faith you have, it's enough. We all received a necklace that holds a mustard seed. She read to us a devotion that meant so much to me and I want to share part of it with you.

"Faith, even in its minimalist form is about trusting God as 'Almighty.' It means that there is nowhere God is absent, powerless, or irrevelevent; no situation in the universe in which God is at a loss. To have faith means to trust God, have confidence in God, take refuge in God, the God who has made everything and…has made visible for us the sort of God He is and the sort of purpose He has in the life and death and resurrection of Jesus. Jesus says that faith the size of a mustard seed is more powerful than all the mountains that we face."

It's so true. Our faith in Jesus, no matter how small, is more powerful than anything else in this world. I hope that no matter what you are going through, you never lose your faith. There will be times in our life that it's all we have and it will be what brings you through your battle. I can say with certainty that it's the only thing carrying us through this journey. We are blessed to have a God that loves us and protects us like Jesus does. He's so good and has been SO faithful to my family.