Not Alone

In some ways, I hate this blog. I hate that I have a reason to keep it updated and I hate that here I am again... Less than 2 years later, begging for your prayers and a miracle from the Lord. Again, I’m going to be real with y’all because it’s all I have in me right now.

Yesterday, Mom was having some uncontrolled bleeding from her nose and ears. She also was feeling more fatigued than usual. My grandfather ran some bloodwork and noticed that her Coumadin was greater than 8. Yikes! Basically that means that her blood was super super thin. She also had some low platelet counts, low potassium, her liver enzymes were a little off... etc. Her doctors in New Orleans told her to head the the Baton Rouge hospital to get some IV meds and an assement. Things just kind of went downhill from there. She started vomiting blood in the ER and shortly after, she was being loaded on an Airmed. We really can’t make it up.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been this mad, but y’all I’m ticked. Due to the infamous coronavirus, the New Orleans hospital isn’t allowing in visitors. No support person, no one. She’s by herself. That’s ok though, because the nurses will all know me by name and probably hate me by the time this is over. Yes, at 2 AM I was still up getting updates. I don’t play around when it comes to my Mom, and I will be her advocate from the phone. The information has been scarce and I wish I had more specific things to ask for prayers for. A few things have been thrown around and I’m going to tell you all of them, so you can pray away each one specifically. First, there has been concern about a possible issue with the right side of her heart. I’m not believing it though and I refuse to accept it. The second is possible DIC. I’m really refusing to believe that one. I think what’s most important now is to pray for her lab levels to return to normal. I don’t need a scientific explanation for why things went south because I have a Jesus reason for why they are going to get better. I’m asking you, friends, to believe with me for better labs this afternoon. Shocking those doctors is something Jesus is known for doing, and I’m confident it will happen again today.

My Mom is so strong. I’ve never met someone who fights like she does. She is struggling today because she’s alone. Her cheerleaders aren’t physically there with her, and that’s hard. Please pray for peace for her. Please ask the Lord to allow not let her feel alone, because she’s not. Last night was probably one of my worst nights, emotionally. I was so mad that I might have kicked the bathroom door a few times. I sat on the floor and was begging the Lord to give me a vision... to show me this was going to be ok. I literally pictured my Mom in the hospital room and sitting next to her was Jesus. She is not alone. She has the best advocate, and no maybe it can’t be me at this time but it’s so much better than I could ever be. He is her strength, her defender, her counsel and her great physician. He’s got this and today I’m resting in Him.

Will you join me?

It has been a little over a year and a half since my Mom’s original LVAD surgery and the week that our life changed forever. Looking back at that time I’m overwhelmed with how far she has come and I’m so thankful we have her here with us today. Today, I sat in the chair of my sweet beautician and was reminded how many amazing friends and family we have. You guys loved us through some really hard times. You were the hands and feet of Jesus and you picked us up and carried us through the fire. I felt it in my heart to reach out to you again today and give you an update on what is currently going on in my Mom’s life. 

The past 6 months have been mostly good for Mom. She’s had no major set backs and it’s mostly been a time of rehabilitation for her. For anyone who doesn’t know her story... My Mom had well over 10 surgeries in a week period that ended with an AKA, a LVAD and a 300+ day hospital stay. So to say the recovery is still ongoing is an understatement. She is currently in a wheelchair and has lost a lot of function in her left hand. Insurance has decided that they don’t believe she needs as much therapy as she does... and because of that reason she isn’t progressing as fast as she hoped to. Not to mention that her therapy was put on pause for a minute due to COVID-19. Her precious therapist at Central Physical therapy is working her tail off and we are so thankful for him. He’s an angel sent from heaven and we couldn’t be more blessed to have him. It’s very easy for Mom to get discouraged these days. Getting back to normal life after the accident wasn’t what she expected. To be honest, it wasn’t what we expected either. She had the expectation that the LVAD would give her a new lease on life and it’s in fact done the opposite. I can’t pretend to explain how she feels or what she’s going through, BUT I can tell you that seeing her grieve her old life is tearing me apart. It’s tearing our whole family apart. Bear with me as I am super raw and honest with you guys. We need prayer. We need the Lord to give Mom a renewed vision. We need Him to show her the purpose in this new life. We need his love to overwhelm her every single day like His love overwhelmed me back in December of 2018. We need him to fill her, my grandmother, my sisters, everyone with a strength that we have never felt. We need him to give her the ability to WALK more than anything else. My prayer recently is that before the year 2020 ends my Mom will have the ability to walk. I truly feel Iike that if we can get her to walk that she will be able to embrace this new life of hers. 

I write all this to ask you, my faithful and prayerful friends... will you join me in praying for my Mom again this year? Will you ask the Lord to give her the purpose and ability to walk? I’ve seen first hand what can happen when we storm heavens gates with prayers and I’m confident that if we ask Him again, He will again answer. 

We love you and are so blessed by you. 

Addie 

Where do we begin?

Thanksgiving is a time where we all sit around a table with our family and reflect on the past year and give thanks for all the Lord has done. 

Where does my family even begin?? 

Everyday I’m thankful that I don’t know what the future holds. Last thanksgiving, we gave thanks that Mom’s doctors qualified her for the LVAD surgery. We gave thanks that we had been given the hope of a better life for her. We could have never imagined what the next week would hold. Thinking about it now is almost daunting. We don’t know what tomorrow holds... only Jesus does. In Deteuronomy, We are told to not be afraid because He goes before us and is with us every step along the way. Tonight I’m thankful that no matter what tomorrow holds, Jesus is already there. He’s preparing my heart today to withstand whatever might be thrown it’s way tomorrow. Thank you Lord!

For those who haven’t seen my Mom’s Facebook updates... Mom is doing so well. She’s getting better and stronger every single day. Her days consist of lots of therapy and home health check ups. My sweet Grannie is working her tail off caring for Mom. She brings Mom to every single appointment and cares for her 24/7. Please continue to pray for Grannie’s strength. 

We recently bought Mom a handicap van. I can’t even begin to explain to you how it’s revolutionized our life. Mom is able to go anywhere she wants now and getting her to and from therapy is a 100 times easier. The van was a huge expense and we are still working on getting it paid off. On December 14th, Central Community Theatre is putting on a Dessert Theatre Christmas benefit to help with some of these expenses. I want to invite you all. Mom will be there and I know she would love to thank each and every one of you for praying her through the biggest battle of her life. I have attached the link to buy tickets. If you can’t attend and want to contribute, there’s a place to do that too on the website. 

http://www.centralcommunitytheatre.org/broadway-benefit/

This week Mom was approved to receive her prosthetic. It should be here next week for her to start learning how to use it. Please pray for that. I know it’s going to be so hard physically and emotionally for her to learn to walk again. But y’all... how amazing is that?!? My Mom is going to walk again. But God! I will never forget how I felt watching the surgeon walk away from us after telling us he had amputated Mom’s leg. I’m tearing up remembering the hurt, devastation and complete shock. I couldn’t see then, that there would be a day where Mom would be well enough to learn to walk. Thank you Jesus for carrying her through this storm and giving us this beautiful rainbow of hope to now hold on to. 

This thanksgiving our family is so thankful for Jesus. We are thankful for every answered prayer... every miracle... and every moment that he carried us through the nightmare that was the last year. We are thankful for Mom’s life, her future and the hope we now have for her to one day receive a heart transplant and be able to put the days of heart failure completely behind her. We are thankful for healing and the Lord’s sweet sweet mercies. You see, our family did not deserve what the Lord did for us. Nothing we did warranted Him to perform miracle after miracle. He just did. He gave us blessings upon blessings because he could. Because He loves us and because He is continuing to sacrifice for us. God is so good and his mercies are new every single day. My prayer for all my family and friends this holiday season is that you sit back and love on your family. Enjoy them, love on them, Cherish them and hold them tight. Be thankful that you have them today and don’t worry what tomorrow holds because the Lord is already there.

Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours! We pray your day is blessed and surrounded with all the ones you love! We love you! 

Tonight’s Prayer Request

It’s been a while since I’ve given an update on Mom. Not because of lack of activity, but because of lack of energy. I have recently felt attacked and like I have a huge target on my back that’s screaming, “here I am devil... attack me!”. Sickness hasn’t left my house in the last 4 weeks. We’ve jumped from stomach bacteria... to flu... ear infections.. stomach virus... severe hives... Our family has been running 100mph trying to keep up with each days battle. Please pray for our family. Every single member of the Dean family could use your prayers. The devil is relentless, but so is Jesus. Just as we get knocked down, the Lord catches us and places us back on our feet. Today, I’m resting in His relentless Love for us. Reminding myself that He’s the almighty. He’s got this. 

My Mom is back in rehab. Many don’t know this but we left rehab and went back to the hospital for a short time due to some GI problems. Fortunately, a quick surgery fixed the problem and we are now back in rehab. Yet again, the Lord took care of Mom. We were told, again, that she shouldn’t have survived... but she did. She’s here for a reason guys. The Devil can continue to try to destroy her, but the Lord has big plans. He needs Momma on this earth for a reason. I can’t wait to watch what he does with her life. 

Please continue to pray for strength for Mom. She’s felt weak and tired and rehab has been extremely hard for her. She’s struggling to sleep and trying to participate in therapy while she’s exhausted is near impossible. She’s also struggling with bad phantom pains from her amputation. Please pray for that to go away. It is causing her so much discomfort. 

Tonight I would like to ask all of my friends for one more prayer request. Mom has felt cold all day and tonight she is running a low grade fever. The doctor at the rehab wants to send her to ER and Mom has begged her to wait and see what happens over night. If her fever gets any higher, she will go to ER no questions asked. Please join me and praying and begging God for NO fever.. NO infection... and a night FILLED with rest. It would be so discouraging for Mom to go back to the hospital. We have full faith that the Lord can turn this around. 

Thank you so much for your sweet sweet prayers, thoughts and love . We love you BIG! 

Round 2 of Rehab

I’ve had so many sweet messages sent to me in the last week. Some checking on Mom and others just simply telling me they have been praying for us and love us. Each one is so special to me. I’ve struggled recently with making sure I’ve 

responded to them all. Life recently has me running 100 miles per hour and sometimes it’s midnight before I can read them and respond. Please know that if I haven’t had a chance to respond to a text/message/comment that I’ve seen it and it blessed my heart. We love each one of you so much. Thank you for standing with us, Thank you for praying for us and thank you for loving us. 

The last two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been trying to write an update and just haven’t had the time. It started with the scare of Mom’s seizures... then my 5 month old, Eleanor, was in the hospital and the last few days we have been moving into our new home.

Mom is now receiving a medication to treat seizures and hasn’t had an episode since. The EEG showed no signs of seizures so we are still puzzled as to what exactly was going on but are thankful that it’s being controlled. Our prayer is that eventually we can get rid of this medication and not have anymore episodes. Mom is doing so well, we are hoping to get her moved back to rehab tomorrow! Please be in prayer that the insurance will give us as much time in rehab as Mom needs. It would be so good for Mom’s recovery and helpful to teach Grannie the best way to care for her until her chest is completely healed from surgery. 

Recently, so many people have told me things like “You are so strong..I don’t know how you do it....”. Let me be the first to tell you that I don’t feel strong. This season of life has brought me to some of my weakest and lowest points, but it has also filled me with a new sense hope and faith. You see, when the darkness is overwhelming and the hopelessness is creeping in I’ve learned that we, as Christians, must continue to stand. When we are brave enough to stand in the storm, we will witness the extraordinary peace that Jesus can bring. When we stand face to face with darkness and declare that it leaves, we will be filled with the hope and the promises of Jesus. He’s promised GOOD to those that love and follow him. So I encourage you today that if you are face to face with darkness, continue to stand. Stand and declare goodness over your life and family. Don’t allow the devil to tear you down and convince you that you aren’t strong enough to withstand the storm. You are a child of God, you are the storm.

Better than a Hallelujah

You can have it all. Today on my Facebook memories was a picture of my home 3 years ago with everything piled up because it was moments away from water coming in. My first thought was, “You can have it all”. I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking about how, in that moment, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Today, 3 short years later, it’s far from the worst thing that has ever happened to me. If given the choice, I would live through the flood of August 2016 one-hundred times before I repeated the last 9 months of my life. You can have it all. You can fill my house with water. You can take every earthly material thing I have, but please Lord fill my family with good health and healing. Let them be happy, let them be well and don’t let them suffer.

The last few days my Mom has been experiencing these jerking episodes that we haven’t been able to figure out what is causing it. Last night, she had a very serious episode of jerking and becoming unaware of her surroundings. The doctors are pretty sure now she’s been having seizures. How upsetting. We are just at a loss for words. Something else to add to her plate. Please pray that these seizures will just disappear and be a fluke incident.

This morning they are closing the skin on Mom’s chest. We are thankful that it healed well enough with the wound vac to not need a skin graft. We are thankful this is getting done today because it’s a step towards getting her home. Mom is SO ready to get home. She tells me everyday how she just wants to be home. Please pray this day is near and when it comes it stays. We want to get her home for good.

Last night after hearing the news of Mom’s seizures. I was laying in bed and just crying. Crying from exhaustion and crying because I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m still going to lose my Mom. I’m scared of the thought of having to raise my babies without their Lollie. I’m scared that every hiccup we experience is going to be the hiccup that keeps us from getting a heart transplant. As my mind raced through all the possibilities, the phrase “Better than a Hallelujah” came to me. If you know my Mom and her sweet sister, Kes, than you know they are both huge Amy Grant fans. I can still remember the order of the songs from the Amy Grant CD that played in our car as a child. How appropriate that this song would come to me during this moment. I share all this with you to tell you that it’s ok to be scared sometimes. It’s ok to cry out and tell the Lord that you are scared, lost and need the Hope that He brings. In the Bible we are told over and over to bring our trouble to the Lord.

Psalm 55:22
“Cast your burden on the Lord,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

Isaiah 41:13
“For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’”

I could go on and on. It’s ok to pour out your miseries and it’s also ok to be silent when words won’t come. We are a mess and sometimes the honest cry of a scared, breaking heart... is better than Hallelujah.

A pic of my Mom and Aunt Kes when they were both healthy, happy and worry free. They’ve both had their share of heartbreak. 

I’m in awe of You Jesus

Today has been an exhausting day. Mom was in surgery from 9:30AM- 5:30PM. We are exhausted. It went well for all that was done. Dr. Bansal decided to open her chest to be sure there was no infection. He found nothing and was very pleased with how her chest looked. What a miracle!! Basically what they did is flipped the left side of her abs over the Pump and outflow line. This muscle will serve as an extra layer of protection to protect the pump from infection. They left a wound pump on her chest to help close her skin. In a few days, they will most likely go back in and do a skin graft to close the skin on Mom’s chest. Tonight, Dr Bansal is letting Mom rest and leaving the ventilator in. Tomorrow morning, they will try to extubate her. Please pray there are no complications and she is able to be extubated easily and quickly. 

Mom’s recovery will certainly be slowed due to this surgery. She will have muscle weakness on her left side due to the lack of muscle there. She will be limited in therapy due to having her sternum opened and I know she’s going to be bummed out by that. Please pray that she is given extra strength to make it through the coming weeks. I don’t know this for sure, but I would imagine she will be heading back to inpatient rehab once she leaves the hospital. Please pray that the Lord opens the doors to that if it’s needed. Our family is overwhelmed and just plain tired. We are so sad for Mom but SO thankful for all the miracles that we saw this week. Dr Bansal flat told us that it would be nothing short of a miracle if there was no infection. Well, here we are... infection free. God is faithful. He’s SO GOOD and He never stops surprising me. I’m in awe of His works tonight. Please continue to pray for Mom. Your prayers are heard and are being answered. We are more thankful for you than you will ever know.