As much as I love Christmas, this time of year is so hard for me.
It’s overwhelming to read back on Facebook memories and see post from shortly after Mom’s surgery. You see, about this time of night two years ago... we were being told that Mom’s surgery was as much of a success as we had hoped for. She was doing great. They were going to close her chest the next day, and she was on the road to recovery. Our family was celebrating. We were eating cheesecake in our hotel rooms and praising the Lord for what He had given us that night. We had no idea what the next 72 hours were going to hold. We were blissfully ignorant of the hurt and devastation we would face in the days ahead.
I remember distinctively laying in bed the night after Mom’s surgery unable to sleep. My heart was heavy and I had no idea why. I had no reason to worry and no reason to be awake after such a long day. Something inside of me knew that it wasn’t over. I remember looking at the clock at 2AM and opening my phone and googling “LVAD surgery survival rates”. As thankful as I was for the positive update on Mom, I was still so concerned. It was like the Lord was trying to prepare me for what was to come. He was. Looking back, I can see Him in every single thing that happened. I could sit here and write for hours telling you how certain things played out that prepared me for other things. I won’t bore you with those details, I will just tell you that He was there. Even on a night where all was well- He was preparing my heart for the devastation that laid ahead.
Looking back and remembering December of 2018 is one of the most painful memories I have in all my life. Things I saw and heard are forever etched in my mind and boy how I would give anything to have some of them erased forever. PTSD is real and if you’ve never experienced a traumatic event, you can’t begin to understand what it’s like. I often feel guilty praying and wishing away the events of December 2018. As awful as they were, they are filled with the most amazing miracles. Not many people can say that they watched color come back to dying organs, but our family did. After my Mom’s second LVAD surgery- she was unrecognizable. The image of her body is something I often wish I could forget, but then I wouldn’t be able to appreciate how she looks today. If you would have told me two years ago, that I would be spending this Christmas at home with my Mom this year it would have been hard to believe. As hard as this is for me to say, tonight I’m thankful for the hurt. I’m thankful that I still can remember how bad it was, so I can appreciate how good it is now. I pray I never take for granted how bad it was then and how good it is now.
I share all this with you to say- that no matter how bad it seems today, I promise tomorrow can be better. No, Mom’s life today is not what our family hoped for when she originally agreed to get the LVAD. It’s completely different than what we imagined. We hoped for a renewed life and none of us would say that Mom’s life now is renewed. Mom’s life today is full of challenges that I pray one day will be challenges of the past. But- Today is so much better than two years ago. Two years ago we were standing in deaths shadow. We were preparing for a tomorrow without Mom. We were being filled with hopelessness. Today, we are living. We are standing in the sun and being thankful for every single day. We are filled with a hope of so many more tomorrow’s. We are believing and declaring that our tomorrows are filled with renewed strength and continued healing for Mom. We are believing that Mom will walk again. Heck, I’m still standing on the promise of a new heart for Mom. You see- when you’ve been in the valley and stood in the shadow of death then you know that nothing is impossible for the Lord. I’m not fearful of tomorrow and I know that no matter what today’s struggles are, tomorrow can be better.
If you are in the valley today, I pray that you continue to lean on the Lord and allow him to comfort you. I pray you continue to push through and pray for brighter tomorrow’s. I pray that when tomorrow comes, you never forget about yesterday. I pray you never forget where the Lord brought you out of and what He did for you. I pray you never stop giving Him the glory. I will never stop reminding people of what I saw happen in December 2018. I will never stop praising Him. He’s so good y’all. Mom’s story isn’t over. In fact, I believe it’s just beginning. I believe her future is so much brighter than her past and the days ahead are good. I believe your days ahead are good too. This year- I want to pray for you. I promised the Lord in December 2018 that if He healed Mom, I would spend my days praising and sharing His name. So hear I am, telling you all that I want to pray for you. If you are struggling and need prayer, please reach out to me. I want to stand with you like so many of you stood with me.
We love you all and covet your prayers and sweet messages.
XOXO
Addie
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