What If?

This morning after dropping Eleanor off at school, I had a really difficult moment. I questioned the Lord and honestly I asked Him why He wasn’t doing more? Why is this our story? If you know my family, then you know they have been faith-filled believers for generations. They have loved the Lord all of their life and never has their faith wavered. It seems like recently that it’s one thing after the next over here. We can’t win. As soon as we feel like we are back on our feet, it’s something else. Why does the Lord not reward our faithfulness? Why doesn’t He completely heal my Mom? Why isn’t she home now? Why is our family struggling with so many different things? It feels unfair. As I’m driving this morning, I whole heartedly know that the Lord gave me a word.

“But what if healing isn’t your story?”

What if your story is to show unbelievers that even when you’re not healed, you still worship? What if your story is showing the world that even when prayers aren’t answered the way you hope they would be, you still give praise? What if your story is sharing that the gift of eternity is greater than any miracle we could receive on earth? So many people can tell a story of a miracle that happened and how their life went right back to normal. They give the Lord the glory for their healing and it’s a beautiful story. But, how many people tell a story of heart ache and constant struggle while giving God praise? To show people that we can be patient with our suffering here on earth because we know we will spend eternity with no suffering. Maybe this world doesn’t need another story of miracles, but a story of a family that suffered and still believed and gave thanks to Jesus. It’s so humbling to think of what the Lord has already given us. Forgiveness and the hope of eternity is enough. So why do we constantly ask for more?

I still believe my Mom can be healed. We have witnessed miracle after miracle with her in much darker times. Today’s struggles aren’t nearly what they were 4 years ago. Mom’s lab work honestly looks good. Her kidney function is great, her LVAD is working beautifully and nothing on paper shows that she should be critically ill. If you see her, though, you would see her struggling. Her anxiety is terrible from being stuck in a bed for so long. She has an ileus from the serious abdominal surgery that she’s recovering from. She’s still having pain from the surgery incision and things have not quite settled with her belly. She needs your prayers. She is fighting and wants to live. In fact, she made it clear to us yesterday to “not let her die”. Please pray for her team of doctors as well. Please pray for them to have patience with her and us. Please pray for them to not give up on her. Mom’s health has been such a long road and it’s easy to look at it from a whole and be overwhelmed. Mom’s story is not over. Although her healing and miracle might not have come the way we originally prayed for it to, she’s still got work to do.

Here’s to 2021

The year that never quit. The year of heart ache. the year of grief. Looking back at what so many of us endured this last year is overwhelming and honestly gives me the biggest pit in my stomach. Some of my closest friends and family lost children, mothers, husbands, friends and grandparents. Some watched family members suffer and fight for their life. Others, are still watching loved ones fight. I think I will always look back at this year with a since of “It was awful but we made it.” Personally, most of 2020 was spent watching my Mom fight for her life. It was spent hearing bad news morning after morning and constantly being told “things will never be as they were before.” Sitting here today, I have to kind of smile at that phrase. They were right, things will never be the same as they were before, but they were wrong on who they said it about. You see, as 2020 comes to a close... my Mom is the same as she was before this most recent hospital admittance. In fact, she might even be stronger. It’s me that won’t ever be the same. I will never again take my families health for granted. I will never let a day go by without letting someone know how grateful I am for them. I won’t ever again go to bed without vocally praising the Lord for what He’s done for my family. I won’t ever let a moment go by without sharing His goodness. 

 

So tonight, as we watch 2020 come to a close, I pray that all of you leave this year changed. I pray that we all enter 2021 with a new perspective and a renewed sense of gratitude for the little things in life. I can’t promise that 2021 will bring better things for us, in fact I’m sure that not much will change in this world in the coming months.  COVID will still be here, restrictions will still be in place, people will still be without jobs, family members will still get sick and loss will still occur. These things we can not control, but our hearts and outlook we can. I know, for sure, that every moment will be savored in my house. We will make new memories, celebrate every occasions and do it surrounded by those we love the most. We will spend more time loving on each other and less time worrying about what tomorrow holds. We will go to bed each night thankful for the day we had and rejoicing in the fact that our bills are paid, we have a beautiful home over our head and our family is healthy. We will give tomorrow’s worries to the Lord and take each day, day by day. 

I say this often but more than ever, I’m praying hard for my family and friends. It feels like every single day I wake up, I hear of some other tragedy surrounding a different person. It’s heartbreaking and honestly has left me speechless these days. I’m not sure why there has been so much devastation these days but I am sure that not one moment is going unseen by the Lord. Through every sickness, job loss, accident and death... you are not alone. He’s with us all, all we have to do is lean in and let Him hold us. I know for a fact the only reason I was able tot survive 2020 was because of the Lord. Our family walked through some really dark times this year and to call it a nightmare is an understatement. But, somehow we made it to the other side and are stronger because of it. I pray that if your 2020 was similar to mine, that you allows the Lord to hold you as well. I pray that you let him carry you and like me, made it the other side stronger because of it. I pray that your relationship with the Lord was strengthened and not weakened and your faith is bigger now than ever. I pray that you are walking into 2021 more faithful, hopeful and stronger than you’ve ever walked into another year before. I pray that you use today to look back at 2020 and say, not again.  Not another year of fear, heartbreak and devastation. Let’s all come together and pray blessings of health, wealth and strength for our country. Let’s speak wholeness and goodness over 2021. 1 Peter tells us “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit”. Let us speak into existence good days and fruitful life. Let’s lift up our world and speak away the sickness and death that is  surrounding us. Life and death are in the power of the tongue and I am speaking life over my friends and family. 

Please join me. We love you all and are looking forward to seeing and hearing about the abundance of blessings your family will receive in 2021. God bless you all! 

Two years...

Two years ago our life changed forever. A surgery that was suppose to give my Mom a chance at a new life and the hope of a heart transplant, ripped more away from our family then I ever thought would be possible. 

As much as I love Christmas, this time of year is so hard for me. 

 It’s overwhelming to read back on Facebook memories and see post from shortly after Mom’s surgery. You see, about this time of night two years ago... we were being told that Mom’s surgery was as much of a success as we had hoped for. She was doing great. They were going to close her chest the next day, and she was on the road to recovery. Our family was celebrating. We were eating cheesecake in our hotel rooms and praising the Lord for what He had given us that night. We had no idea what the next 72 hours were going to hold. We were blissfully ignorant of the hurt and devastation we would face in the days ahead. 

 I remember distinctively laying in bed the night after Mom’s surgery unable to sleep. My heart was heavy and I had no idea why. I had no reason to worry and no reason to be awake after such a long day. Something inside of me knew that it wasn’t over. I remember looking at the clock at 2AM and opening my phone and googling “LVAD surgery survival rates”. As thankful as I was for the positive update on Mom, I was still so concerned. It was like the Lord was trying to prepare me for what was to come. He was. Looking back, I can see Him in every single thing that happened. I could sit here and write for hours telling you how certain things played out that prepared me for other things. I won’t bore you with those details, I will just tell you that He was there. Even on a night where all was well- He was preparing my heart for the devastation that laid ahead. 

 Looking back and remembering December of 2018 is one of the most painful memories I have in all my life. Things I saw and heard are forever etched in my mind and boy how I would give anything to have some of them erased forever. PTSD is real and if you’ve never experienced a traumatic event, you can’t begin to understand what it’s like. I often feel guilty praying and wishing away the events of December 2018. As awful as they were, they are filled with the most amazing miracles. Not many people can say that they watched color come back to dying organs, but our family did. After my Mom’s second LVAD surgery- she was unrecognizable. The image of her body is something I often wish I could forget, but then I wouldn’t be able to appreciate how she looks today. If you would have told me two years ago, that I would be spending this Christmas at home with my Mom this year it would have been hard to believe. As hard as this is for me to say, tonight I’m thankful for the hurt. I’m thankful that I still can remember how bad it was, so I can appreciate how good it is now. I pray I never take for granted how bad it was then and how good it is now. 

 I share all this with you to say- that no matter how bad it seems today, I promise tomorrow can be better. No, Mom’s life today is not what our family hoped for when she originally agreed to get the LVAD. It’s completely different than what we imagined. We hoped for a renewed life and none of us would say that Mom’s life now is renewed. Mom’s life today is full of challenges that I pray one day will be challenges of the past. But- Today is so much better than two years ago. Two years ago we were standing in deaths shadow. We were preparing for a tomorrow without Mom. We were being filled with hopelessness. Today, we are living. We are standing in the sun and being thankful for every single day. We are filled with a hope of so many more tomorrow’s. We are believing and declaring that our tomorrows are filled with renewed strength and continued healing for Mom. We are believing that Mom will walk again. Heck, I’m still standing on the promise of a new heart for Mom. You see- when you’ve been in the valley and stood in the shadow of death then you know that nothing is impossible for the Lord. I’m not fearful of tomorrow and I know that no matter what today’s struggles are, tomorrow can be better. 

 If you are in the valley today, I pray that you continue to lean on the Lord and allow him to comfort you. I pray you continue to push through and pray for brighter tomorrow’s. I pray that when tomorrow comes, you never forget about yesterday. I pray you never forget where the Lord brought you out of and what He did for you. I pray you never stop giving Him the glory. I will never stop reminding people of what I saw happen in December 2018. I will never stop praising Him. He’s so good y’all. Mom’s story isn’t over. In fact, I believe it’s just beginning. I believe her future is so much brighter than her past and the days ahead are good. I believe your days ahead are good too. This year- I want to pray for you. I promised the Lord in December 2018 that if He healed Mom, I would spend my days praising and sharing His name. So hear I am, telling you all that I want to pray for you. If you are struggling and need prayer, please reach out to me. I want to stand with you like so many of you stood with me. 

 We love you all and covet your prayers and sweet messages. XOXO Addie

See Ya Later, Ochsner!

I don’t have much to update on except for the fact that Mom will be leaving Ochsner Hospital tomorrow. Yes, you read that right. My Mom, who wasn’t suppose to survive, is about to be discharged from the hospital.

Tears overwhelm me when I look back at the last 16+ weeks and relive what we went through. Pure hell is the best way I can describe it. I think I can speak for my whole family when I say that we are forever changed. I’m not the same Addie that I was in June. In some ways I’m stronger, but in others I feel weak and worn. PTSD is real and the trauma our family experienced, is something that I pray to God we can one day get over.

When I think about the Lord and what He did for us, all I can do is pray. Pray that the miracles and mercy He showed my Mom and family don’t go unseen. I hope everyone who reads this sees and believes what happened. I hope they fully understand that by no earthly means should Mom be alive today. I hope that every MD, NP, nurse, SLP, PT, Ot and every other hospital personnel recognizes what happened. I hope their hearts are opened and that the next time they are staring at another awful situation they will know that it’s not as hopeless as it seems. I pray that if they don’t know the Lord, that they will soon come to know him. I pray that they all now know that there is more to recovery than a medical opinion. There is hope, there is supernatural healing, there is grace and there is mercy and it all comes from Jesus. He is capable, He is able and He is still turning life’s around. He’s healing the deathly ill and He’s saving the lost. He’s pulling people out of the darkest pit and breathing life into their hearts. He’s making them new both physically and spiritually. I hope that that hospital knows that even if they feel as hopeless and lifeless as my Mom was in July, that He can make them new too. I hope they look at what our family’s faith did and crave what we have. I pray to God that if they didn’t know Jesus or what He has to offer, that they do now.

On July 28th, I was on my hands and knees watching the rain fall outside and sobbing on the phone to my husband telling him my Mom was dying. Tomorrow, October 21st, my Mom is alive and she’s leaving the hospital. But God. His plans were different and His love for us was greater. “By His stripes she was healed..” It’s an overwhelming thing to imagine a love so great that He would sacrifice His son so that my Mom could live. Much of what we have experienced the last 4 months has been overwhelming. It’s almost hard to imagine that Mom is leaving Ochsner and heading down the street to get a little rehab. Let’s all remember that we were told over and over that “It’s a stretch to think that she will make it LTAC much less home.” Well, LTAC won’t even take her because she’s too well and rehab almost didn’t either. Again, But God. He knows her needs and he’s meeting them. Mom is a little discouraged that she’s, again, heading to rehab. She’s SO ready to be home. Let’s be honest, we are all more than ready for her to be officially home. It was kind of a back and forth battle deciding whether she was to go back to rehab or come straight home, but we all decided that rehab was best even though it’s more time away from home. Mom isn’t strong enough yet to get herself from the bed to chair and we need her to get that quality of life back. It’s not fair to let her live her life depending on a lift to get her to and from the bed and chair. That limits her awfully. We want her to be able to go and do what she wants. In order to do that, she’s got to get stronger. Please continue to pray for strength for Mom both mentally and physically. Please ask the Lord to give her body and mind the endurance needed to be successful at rehab.

I want to take a minute to thank you all for your constant prayers and support. You’ve never once forgotten about us and your prayers literally kept us afloat. I’m so thankful and I wish I could personally contact each one of you and express my gratitude. You’ve loved us through some pretty hard times and I don’t know if you realize how much that means to us. Our family is blessed. We are humbled by your love and want you to know how much we love you as well. Thank you so much. Please continue to pray for us. Even though this current hospital stay is over, Mom’s battle with heart failure isn’t. There will be more hard days ahead but I’m standing and believing that those days will be few and far between. I’m believing that Mom is going to continue to get stronger and will be back learning to walk on her prosthetic before the year is over. I’m believing that the year 2021 is going to be Mom’s year. It will be full of blessings and hope for Mom. 2020 has been hard on everyone. I think a new year of blessings and Hope is due for us all. Will you join us in declaring this?

Miracles

Ryan and I brought Mom to-go Ruth’s Chris! She’s just a little spoiled. 

 

Last night I was cooking dinner for a sweet friend of mine who just had a baby. As I was cooking I thought to myself, “Chicken Pot pie is one of Mom’s favorites”... then it hit me. Tears filled my eyes and I smiled and thought- For one of the first time in 10 weeks I’m able to cook a meal and send a plate to the hospital for Mom. I’m so thankful. We are so thankful. We are overwhelmed and honestly just in awe. You see, ever since I was a young child I was read stories from the Bible of miracles the Lord did and was able to perform. I was taught that no request is impossible for the Lord, but how often do we get to witness an unbelievable, overwhelming miracle? Mom’s ability to eat is nothing short of that. The doctors and therapist weren’t wrong. They were right in saying that what they saw then, was a patient that had lost her ability to swallow. They were right to say that from what they saw on her swallow study it would take months and months of intense therapy for her to even be able to enjoy a scoop of ice cream. Medically they weren’t wrong, but spiritually the Lord had other plans. Just like He raised the dead to life, turned water to wine, gave life to dry bones... He gave Mom the ability to swallow. He woke up her weak muscles and he breathed LIFE into them. He showed out, and all I can do is smile and praise the Lord yet again. 

Medically, Mom is doing extremely well. There is nothing that is causing her current problems and she’s ready to leave the hospital. Today we had a short phone conversation with some of her team and the decision was made to send her to rehab this week. The Rehab team came by and agreed that she was ready and didn’t need time at LTAC. She’s getting stronger daily and I believe is going to come home from rehab stronger than she was before this hospital stay. Will you all do me a favor and please pray specifically for Mom to have peace? She’s so tired y’all. She’s so ready to be home with us. She’s exhausted of being alone. She wants and needs to be home with her family, but she needs therapy more. She and our family made the hard decision to send her to rehab and not just take her home. You see, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from all this is that life and time with your loved ones is so valuable. Life is short and we don’t know what tomorrow or next week holds. All we know, is that we want Mom to have the best quality of life when she’s home. We want her to be able to do what she wants to do, and she has to be stronger in order to have that life. Please pray that we made the right decision. Please ask the Lord to give us all confirmation that we did the right thing. Please continue to ask the Lord for supernatural physical and mental strength for Mom. Rehab isn’t going to be easy, but I know He’s preparing her today for what she needs tomorrow. 

Throughout Mom’s LVAD journey we have been told so many things. She will never be extubated, we have to amputate both legs, we are going to have to amputate her arm, she will never eat a full meal again, she won’t make it through the night... I could go on all day. One thing that’s for sure, is no one really knows what Mom’s future looks like. Will she have another episode of infections? Will it never happen again? Will she live perfectly with the LVAD for the next 10 years? Or will we be in this same spot next year? Will we ever be given a transplant? Or will that day never come? The answer is simply.. we don’t know. No doctor knows and anyone pretending they do needs to take some time re-reading her chart. Mom’s future is very unpredictable, but I’m going to leave you with this story. A few weeks ago, I had a beautiful dream that I was giving birth to my third child. It was a little girl and as I started to push, I looked to my right and my precious Mom was STANDING on a prosthetic over my shoulder with NO LVAD. When I woke up, I felt at peace and I knew then that Mom’s story wasn’t over. I believe that the LVAD will be gone one day and one day Dr. Bansal is going to give her a transplant. That miracle will happen. Nothing is impossible. The Lord isn’t finished and Mom’s victory is coming. Will you join me in declaring this victory?  

We are Speechless!

 I’ve been trying to write this blog the last 3 days and have yet to come up with the words to describe what we have experienced in Mom’s life the last 2 weeks. Sitting with Mom today, I’m left completely speechless. This most recent miracle the Lord has given us might be the most amazing. I’m in awe, I’m speechless and most of all I’m thankful. 

We have been told over and over that Mom wasn’t going to get better. She would never be able to have the strength that she had before this latest hospitalization. Honestly, this has been an easy statement to believe because Mom’s weakness has been debilitating and overwhelming. She’s lost more weight than you can imagine and for so long she’s been too weak to even turn her head. Not to mention, she’s lost her ability to swallow and wasn’t even strong enough to work on swallow exercises. Two weeks ago, we had sunshine therapy and prayed specifically for strength over her body and complete healing. Well, today Mom is a completely different person than she was that day at sunshine therapy. Everything about her is renewed. She’s able to use her phone, pick her head up off the pillow and they are even able to get her in her wheelchair so she’s been able to cruise around the hospital to get some different scenery. She’s doing so well that our precious speech therapist feels like she might be getting back some of her swallowing ability. They are scheduling another swallow study to check that out. Thankful doesn’t even begin to describe how we feel. Oh how sweet Jesus is. He never stops working, He never stops healing and he certainly hasn’t stopped performing miracles. 

Mom continues to leave our family and the doctors speechless. They have made jokes this week that she has “more life’s than a cat”. My response- NO she has a God that isn’t done with her. Her story isn’t over. She has more to do here. More time to be spent with her family and more time sharing the good news that Jesus is alive and well. He’s working inside of her still and is making her whole again. For weeks our family has told her body to “wake up” and become new. We have prophesied strength and energy over her. We have commanded dying organs to come to life. The Lord has heard our prayers and is standing with us and making these request come to life. Part of me wants to say that I’m in shock seeing how well she is doing... but I’m not. I knew the Lord was going to heal her. I knew this miracle was coming. He’s so good to us and I’m so thankful that I want to spend every waking moment on my knees in praise. 

Mom still has a lot more strength to be gained. Please continue to pray for supernatural strength over her body. Please specifically pray that next week they will do another swallow study and that she will pass with flying colors. Please pray that she will gain enough strength in the next week that we will get to avoid LTAC and go directly to rehab. We want Mom to get the best therapy for what she needs and we believe that’s at rehab. 

We are so so so thankful for every single team member at Ochsner that has fought to get Mom to where she is. All the nurses and therapist that have pushed and cared for Mom so lovingly, we will never be able to adequately thank. Brittany- our precious LVAD coordinator has become like family. She has cried with us, laughed with us and most importantly fought to get Mom where she is today. Every doctor and NP/PA that has put up with my obsessive questions- bless their heart. I have not made it easy on any of them and I’m thankful that they are still fighting with us. Please continue to pray for their wisdom as we get through the last bit of this hospital stay with Mom. Also, pray for their patience with me because I’m still asking questions. Erika, Mom’s speech therapist, loves Mom so much and might have gotten the worst end of me when we found out the results of her first swallow scan. We are so thankful for her continuing to work and push for Mom to get the ability to swallow again. This has by far been the most emotional hospital stay for not only our family but the hospital staff as well. This would have been so much easier on everyone if Mom wasn’t so loved and so special. 

Lastly, I want to thank each of you for following along and praying for Mom. We certainly wouldn’t have survived without your encouragement and prayers. We love you all and are so thankful, I just can’t say it enough. 

Prayers and Positivity

There’s so much I could write about tonight, but I’m going to try and keep it short for you guys. Mom received her PEG tube yesterday and did well with her surgery. Overnight, her H&H dropped some so they gave her two blood transfusions to help give her a boost. It worked and her H&H has been stable today and tonight. They mentioned a concern of a GI bleed but I don’t think that’s the case neither did tonight’s nurse. I think she lost some blood during the surgery and she needed some help getting caught up. Our family has adapted a new way of speaking when we are in the room with Mom and talking about Mom. We are only speaking and thinking positivity. Negativity is not allowed around her and if it comes, whoever says it should be asked to leave the room. Mom wants and needs to be uplifted. She needs hope that life can and will get better. She needs people around her who want to lift her up, help her recover and encourage her. 

Today, Mom got a sweet visit from our favorite doctor- Dr Bansal. 

You might remember his name, he is the heart surgeon who put in her LVAD and fought for her life for so many months when she was deathly ill. He sat by her beside, canceled trips and did everything possible to get Mom to where she is today. We love Dr Bansal and respect him more than anyone else. She told him today that they told her she was never going to be able to eat again. Do you know what is response to that was? He laughed and said “that’s not true, you will get stronger and you will eat again. They obviously don’t remember what you’ve been through.” He’s right. She’s going to fight and she’s going to get stronger. She’s come back from deaths door more times than we would have liked and she will come back from this too. 

I’ve never spent more time in prayer than I do now. I pray in the shower, in the car, while I cook... I find myself praying all day long. Today I was driving down the road with Harrison and we were listening to worship music. I lifted one of my hands and started praying out loud for freedom from sickness for Mom. While I was praying, I heard Harrison trying to repeat exactly what I was saying and when I glanced back in the rear view mirror he had his hands raised and eyes closed and in his “own language” was praying his little heart out for his Lollie. I lost it. I almost had to pull on the side of the road. My sweet baby. Thank you Jesus for that precious moment. Just when my soul feels empty, He replenishes it with an image of His grace and goodness. Please join Harrison and me in praying for Lollie. She needs us to intercede on her behalf. She needs an image of His grace and goodness like I received today. She needs to feel whole again and well. She needs the Hope that only Jesus can give her. I’m proclaiming today that wholeness and strength are coming for Mom. It’s just around the corner. Please join me in proclaiming this for Mom. 

We love you all. Thank you for following Mom’s story and for the many blessings your prayers bring. We couldn’t make it without you! 

Addie 

Picture is of sweet Brittany and Mom. Brittany is Mom’s LVAD coordinator and came and did her nails today. We are so thankful for her and Mom just adores her!